I have been volunteering at Camp Quest since 2015. Camp Quest is a secular summer camp designed for children from atheist, agnostic, and freethinking families. We have a variety of the typical summer camp activities like horseback riding, swimming in the lake, and singing campfire songs. We also have programming specific to our mission such as Socrates Cafe, Famous Freethinkers, and Moment of Science.

I volunteered from 2015-2022 and then took a break for a couple of years. When my now-adult son decided to volunteer this year, he asked me to do it with him so I returned.

The Problem

During this session we had a problem in the cabin I was leading. We noticed 6 of the 8 campers were starting to bully one of the others. Most of this was in the form of excluding the camper and pointing out anytime they did something “different” or “weird.”

We had to right the ship. We sat everyone down in a circle and had a conversation. I shared the content of the conversation with my son, and he found it really helpful. I’m trying to share out how the conversation went in case anyone else finds it helpful.

Some of my wording is a little bit awkward. I am trying to capture it as I said it in the moment and not tidy it up because I have written form (and hindsight) now available. I think it’s useful for people to see how these conversations go, flaws and all.

Before the following soap box speech, I had a talk with the other cabin counselor and the lead counselor for the camp. We decided ahead of time who would do the talking. The other counselor talked about why what the campers were doing was wrong and unacceptable. He shared what would happen if the behavior continued. The lead counselor backed it up, and then I had an opportunity to talk.

While the other two were talking I took my time to look each camper directly in the eyes. This is uncomfortable to them. I wanted them to each feel like they were being directly addressed to make it harder to punt the blame onto someone else.

My Soap Box

“I am disappointed. I have been doing this long enough to know that bullying doesn’t just occur out of nowhere. And you might like to say that you weren’t being a bully. You were just trying to enjoy camp or you were just making a joke. But if you sit there and think about it, you know you were being a bully. You made one of our own feel like they weren’t welcome. We talk so much about being inclusive and you went out of your way to exclude. That is bullying.

“I’m not a betting person, but I bet every single one of you who did the bullying has been bullied before. Maybe your mother or your father. (pause) Maybe it was a brother or sister. (pause) Or someone from school, or a teacher. (pause) I bet if you think hard about it, you might even remember how that made you feel. Maybe you felt unimportant, or unseen, or that you had to prove yourself to someone.

“That’s not the kind of camp we want to run here – one where you are made to feel like that. And you, you specifically, made someone right here feel that way.

“Listen, I don’t need you to say the things you think I want to hear. The truth of the matter is that in four days you’re going back home. You may never come back to Camp Quest. I hope you do, but maybe you won’t. So anything you say to me right now isn’t really going to matter a few days from now.

“What will matter is that when you get back home, at some point you’re going to lay your head down on your pillow and think back about camp. Maybe you’ll even remember this conversation. And maybe you’ll remember that we had to have this talk because of how you made one of your fellow campers who did nothing wrong to you feel.

“I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to try to fall asleep with that on my conscious. I don’t want to have to wonder if I was a good person. Because I have to live with myself. In the final analysis, the person I have to answer to is me. Who do I want to be? How do I want to be remembered?

“The good news is, this can be the last time we ever talk about this. You have a choice, right now and every day until the end of camp. You can choose to do what you know is right or you can choose to continue to bully. I hope you’ll do the right thing.”

After thoughts

Things turned around in a big way. I don’t know how much of that was my speech, how much was the consequences the other counselor talked about, and how much was just having any kind of conversation to point out the problem.

Things were not perfect afterwards, but they never are. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that I connected with every one of them, but I do feel like it made an impression on some.

When I have these conversations, I try to be as direct and honest as I can. I try to make them see the other person. It doesn’t always work, but when I laid my head down I didn’t have any trouble falling asleep because I felt like I did the right thing.

I hope those campers come back next year.